and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
