Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
