I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
