There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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