If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
