I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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