And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Randomize
