her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
