last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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