Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
