im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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