I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
