I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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