i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I met the friendliest cop last night
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
