happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Is Oprah even human
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
