Kiss
Puke
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
