i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
