when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
