I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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