Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
