Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
