Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
