I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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