so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
