I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
