i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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