I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
