I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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