do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
