i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i will never coherently bang her
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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