Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
