chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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