I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The uberlube is also flammable
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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