Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
