Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
