You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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