why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
