I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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