I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
