i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
