Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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