Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
