a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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