How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
