i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
