and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
