the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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