Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
