I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
