The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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